I Am Sooo Happy For You......Really?

       Happy Tuesday Monsters.  Today we are going to focus on joy and happiness. No not your joy and happiness but others joy. Yup I am asking you to step out of your little bubble and take a look at the lives of those around you, your friends, your family, your co-workers, etc. Are they happy? Are they enjoying life? Are they celebrating something. Bigger question, are you celebrating with them? Are you capable of being happy, genuinely happy for the good fortune of others? 

   Take a minute. Your first instinct will be to say "yes, of course, I am not a hater". Stop and take a deeper look. What is the first thought that comes into your mind when someone shares their good news with you? Of course your happy, but somewhere is there a voice saying "what about me?" How do you feel when a promotion you worked so hard for goes to your friend? What about when the perfect guy you have been crushing on for weeks, takes a liking to your frenemy? Or maybe you have been trying for a child for so long and your sister gets pregnant at the drop of a hat. Just think about something that you are working towards, striving for, reaching for, that is just around the corner, you are almost there, and when you look around everyone else seems to be getting it quicker than you, easier than you.  Can you celebrate with them? Really with your whole heart, do you wish them well or is a piece of you still saying "it's not fair, when will it be me"?

Its O.K.  It happens.  We all have those feelings. But now monster, now is the time to deal with them, to put them away and to really learn to be happy for others. The first step in that is to know within yourself that their good fortune and blessings do not detract from yours. You are not missing out. You are not coming up short, and that there is no shortage to the goodness of God. Take that step and get rid of the lie that tells you that you are not ever going to have what it is you want. 

The next step to really sharing in the joy of others is to stop drinking the hater-aid. Hater-aid is real its like Kool-aid only instead of sugar its laced with bitterness. We have all drank some in our time. We have all secretly thought that we were better, smarter, cuter, faster, whatever then the other person. We have all at one time or another taken pleasure in hating on somebody or on what they have done.  Quit it. Put down the glass.  With every sip you take you are blocking your own blessings. Bitterness poisons the drinker.  I am going to take this a step further and extend it to the people you don't really like. Your "enemies", your haters, your nay sayers, etc. You don't have to party with them and send them flowers but you should be happy for them, and not resent them. I know I am asking a lot of you monster, but it is only for your own good. 

 Romans 12:15- 21 tells us what we are supposed to do. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY,GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” 

Before you get all excited about the heaping of burning coals line, you have to know that it refers to the Love of God. Those coals are Love. God calls us to him with love. He uses love to convict us, to draw us, to chastise us, to bring us into His will. So you forget the images of God torturing your enemies for you. Sorry, monster.  Oh and the whole evil line that is for your haters, and you. You are going to have to do good to them, for them and love them. Sorry. 

   So now that we have cleared up some things, are you really happy about other people's blessings? Don't worry if your not, it will take some time, some prayer, and some getting into your Word. It will happen, and you monster, will be better for it. When  you get to a place where you can truly be happy for others you open up the floodgates in your own life. God is a God of relationship. He wants you to have good relationships with others, He wants to have a great relationship with you. The two are intrinsically intertwined. Jesus commanded us to Love God with our whole hearts, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. You cannot do one and ignore the other. 

So today monster, find someone, anyone, and share in their joy. Practice it daily. Until next blog, I'm happy for you and congratulations on whatever it is you accomplish today. 

Wise Choices

           

     Choices. Everyday,every hour, every minute we are faced with choices. What to wear what to eat, which bill to pay, what shoe to buy, etc. A lot of these choices really will not cause any sizable ripple in your life. You probably won't look back on your life and say, "Wow, if only I had wore the red heels instead of the black ones I would be so better off right now." Those types of choices thankfully are easy and carefree choices. If only life were so easy. 


   Then there are choices that change your life, change your direction, change your outcome. Important decisions like where to live, what type of job/career you choose, who you date, marry or have kids with.  Intricate things like whose advise you listen to, what type of people you hang around, whether or not to do something you know is wrong. These choices change your life. They color your world, in extreme cases if you make the wrong choice you could end up somewhere a lot worse then in the Between. So how do you choose? How do you pick when there is so much at stake?

   Wisdom. There is a difference between a good choice and a wise one. After three years of looking for work, I am offered a job. Now I have to make a choice. It would be a good choice to take the job, find a sitter, and work. It is good to make money. It is good to have a job. This job would be a good choice. Then the variables come in, I have to work Sundays, so I won't be able to go to church, I\ have to work some nights, so my child would be at the sitter's late into the night, my schedule will vary week to week, so she may have to quit soccer. Is it still a good choice? Enter more variables, I am not making salary, it is a minimum wage job, no benefits, varying hours, time away from my home, my child, and my church. Is it still a good choice?

      Wisdom comes from God, its listening to the Holy Spirit, and allowing Him to guide you. The truth of any situation is already in you, you just have to be still and tap into it. For my situation Wisdom tells me that my child's well being should be my priority. Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Wisdom says that I should not give up going to church because I have to go to work. Wisdom made me stop and add up the cost, not the financial one, God has provided for me faithfully during this time and I have never lacked for anything, but the intangible one. Is it wise to put your child in someone else's  care, is it wise to miss her soccer games and practices, is it wise to spend more on child care then what you make? Wisdom looks into the future, it looks at the quality of the decision, it takes into account the effect your choice has on the ones you love, and who are dependent on you. When you view a choice through the lens of Wisdom you see that a good choice is not necessarily the right choice for you. 


     Solomon was the wisest person in the world. There has been none that equal him. Yet with all his wisdom he often made poor choices. He chose women that worshiped other gods. At the time He thought it was a good choice, He was a king, the easiest way to form alliances with other kingdoms is to marry into them. It may have been a good choice politically but as far as a wise choice, not so much. He allowed his wives' beliefs to sway his heart,  he allowed his choice to change his life. In the end He lost favor with God. His kingdom, that he worked so hard to make great was destroyed. His choices, although good, were not wise. I may not be a King, but my family, my life, is my kingdom. The choices I make affect my subjects, the values and ideals that i cultivate in my life and in my child's life will leave ripples that will outlive me and my choices. The same goes for you monster. When it is time to make a choice, you don't just want to make a good choice, you want to make a Wise one. 

Choose Wisely. 

Keep It Moving....

Happy Monday Monsters!!! Wow it is already the end of July. Time is flying by even though at times it feels like nothing is moving forward. I can totally feel the earth spinning under my feet sometimes when my day feels like it is in fast forward. At other times I feel like snails are zooming past me. It gets very frustrating when you have you so much you want to get done and nothing seems to be progressing. In the between, you feel like everyone and everything is moving forward, and you are at a standstill or worse in reverse. You are watching your friends zoom ahead in their careers, families, relationships, whatever and you have yet to pick out what shoe your going to wear today. It is like your coming in dead last in the race. You saw yourself so much further ahead in life then where you are now. losing

This is just an illusion monster. There is no race. You may be in a different place then where you thought. You might not be working fast enough to "keep up" with where you think you should be, but you are not losing. You, monster, are in the perfect place, at the perfect time, for you. In the Between you will learn about Divine timing. God's time is totally different from ours. He thinks in Eternity while we struggle with the Now. I want a career Now, I want a boyfriend Now, I want a baby Now, I want that promotion Now, I want the new house, car, life, money, etc. Now. You are looking around at everything and everybody else and saying why them and not me. They are getting theirs Now. Well monster you are not them and you don't know what they did, went through or experienced to get their Now. Your Now is coming, just not right now.

Sucks huh? I have always had a problem with patience. I am a go-getter. I like to keep it moving. If something is not working i fix it, discard it, or trade it in and I keep it moving. I was taught to go and get what I wanted. I was a Wonder Woman. I kicked butt and took names, and did not have to practice patience.

 Well in the Between you will find that your old way of doing things does not work. Hustle as hard as you want, you still will not get to the Next. I told you the Between is a character building workout. In life you can't do 10 sit-ups and get an instant six pack. You have to eat right, exercise daily, work out those muscles, throw in some cardio and earn your six pack. Same thing applies to building your Character. You have to get rid of bad habits, bad thinking, bad living and start building good habits, good thinking and Godly living. It is going to take time, and effort.

There is good news!!! You seriously didn't think I would leave you without any did you? No matter how long you may spend in the between, wandering in the wilderness, dealing with your mess God has a plan and a promise for you. You are not losing anything. You are gaining. And God has promised to Restore all that you have lost, better yet He will give you more than you lost, more than you dreamed or hoped. Joel 2:25
 ^"And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm," I know, it sounds crazy who was talking about worms anyway. Dig deeper, God will restore to you anything and everything that has been taken. Your job, your home, your relationship, your friendship, your children, your strength, your health, your joy, the list is endless. It does not matter how old you are, how young you are, where you are, God has promised restoration and not just replacement but more and better then what you lost. Joshua 24:13 "So I gave you a land on which you did not toil and cities you did not build; and you live in them and eat from vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant."


This means monster, that your life is not at a standstill. You are not losing, it is never too late and  you have no expiration date. He will open doors for you and you will be able to walk through them, He will bless you beyond measure. This is not to say that you can just sit back and wait for it, it is to give you hope, to know that all you are working towards is waiting for you and you will have it. Not Now but Soon. So quit looking at what others are doing, having, etc. and get about your business. Don't you have some work to do? Keep it Moving 

Hungry for something? Feed your Spirit!!

    Hey Monsters, miss me? I missed you. Just wanted to give you some time to work on your truth. It is hard work dealing with yourself. A lot of heavy lifting, examining, and cleaning. Enough to make you want to sleep  just thinking about it. I don't know about you but when I have a large project to do I throw on some music and attack that project head on. I tear apart the entire space and put it back together again. A few hours and your done.  It is not that way when your working on yourself. You need to stop and take breaks. Emotional baggage is difficult to clean up, sort through, and deal with. Some people take to keeping a journal, or spend hours meditating and doing yoga, others sift through their physical past and relive each moment. Whatever you choose to do it is not easy. It is draining. If it was easy most of the people walking around today would not have so many issues and thousands of therapists, counselors, and life coaches would be out of work. Come to think of it, I would have nothing to write about. Good thing for me, you, monster have issues. Even better news is your willing and able to work them out.

 So what do you need to refuel with when your working on your mind and spirit? I am glad you asked. You need to feed your spirit with spirit! Yup, just like with exercise you need to fuel your physical body to get optimum results, the same goes for your spirit. No cheating, no filling up on junk food. You got to get the good stuff. You, monster are going to have to tap into the wisdom of the ages, starting with your Bible! Yup I said it, The Bible. If you are even the least bit intimidated by it start in Psalms, nothing but praise to the Almighty in every one! ( It is a good place to start if you want to learn how to pray too. There has been many a day when I just read one Psalm and meditate on it for the rest of the day. It's good stuff. Some more food for your spirit, read inspirational stories of women you admire, go to the library and check out books from Iyanla Vanzant, Joyce Meyer, T.D. Jakes, Creflo Dollar, Paula White, Joel Olsteen, the list is endless, just hang out in the Christian section and I guarantee you will find something that will call to you. It is calling to your spirit! Feed your spirit.

Daily life is constantly draining from you, people, work, children, life. They all take from you. It is important to set aside some time each day to refill. You are no fun when your drained, you lack vitality, energy, love, and patience. Life becomes a trial instead of a joy. When your spirit is on E, you are not good for anyone let alone yourself. So next time you have that empty feeling inside, that gnawing ache that is not filled with food or water, listen to it. It is your spirit asking for a snack. Well don't just sit there fill it up .

Just because it's a fact...doesn't mean it's true

     Happy Monday monsters. Did you know that the more blogs you read the smarter you get?  Also, if you are a single woman in her mid to late 30's you are more likely to never have a child. Did you know that there is a shortage of men, and that 60% of women will never get married? Hey, did you hear that 59% of children that grow up in single family homes will be more likely to raise their own children in a single parent home? Did you know that 57% of African American men admitted to actively seeking a woman of another culture/ethnicity to marry?  Shockingly 67% of black women will not ever marry regardless of age or economic status, and that these same women are more likely to have children out of wedlock?
     67% of men say that they have cheated on their partner. In a recent survey white women were considered the most desirable in a marriage partner, with Asian making a close second, followed by Hispanic, Other, Mixed race and Black coming in last. A recent "study" found that overweight women are more likely to be single, short men prefer taller women, and a man regardless of his looks, weight or height will have a better chance of marrying if he makes six figures or more. On the contrary a woman making six figures or more, no matter how beautiful she may be, will either have to settle or be single.  Or how about this one, 48% of all the people reading this blog believe at least one of the above stated "facts" is true.

       Sorry to disappoint you but most of what is stated above I just made up. Not off the top of my head or anything just purely based on the random opinions and unscientific polls that are conducted in women's magazines, online surveys, and random overheard conversations that women have on a regular basis. You can come up with a statistic on just about anything, and most people will believe it. Hey who can argue with math? I barely passed my statistics class but I know that you can slant your results by polling a targeted group versus a totally random one. I am just saying, you can make a fact about pretty much anything, it just doesn't make it the truth.

    While you have been busy cleaning out your life and your mind you have found that you have more room, some empty space waiting to be filled. Be careful monster an empty space is still a place. A place where you begin storing stuff. Thoughts, ideas, facts, experiences. In the Between you need to be vigilant about guarding these now clean and empty spaces. You need to be careful about what you allow to take up this space. We all plan to only fill our lives with things that edify us. That teach us a better way to live, to think, to act etc. Your main source should be your Bible, but realistically we fill those spaces with things that look good, like self help books, random advice, talk shows and magazine articles. Hey we are working on ourselves after all I told you to read, to learn and to grow. Yes I did. I neglected to tell you to edit and filter what you  are putting in yourself. I am sorry. It was only Revealed to me on my daily torture session, oops I mean exercise session.

   Just because something may be a "fact" does not make it true. Our media is meant to inform us, but mostly it circulates fears and insecurities. It sells millions of copies  each month selling fear. Are you eating the right things, wearing the right things, do you measure up to the beautiful images of women between its covers, do you know how to keep your man satisfied, Do you know how to get the right job, apartment, man?
 The list goes on and on. Worse they put out polls on nearly everything. My question is who are they asking? Where are they getting their facts, and what does it have to do with the truth?

Don't throw them out, you do not have to quit reading them, you don't have to turn off your talk shows, but you do need to quit having a steady diet of them. Most importantly you need to filter any and all information you may get from them. This is what it looks like.

     On one of my jogs I saw an attractive man walking by. He smiled and kept going and out of nowhere all these thoughts bombarded me. Thoughts that went a lot like this. "Hmmm, I am over 30, everybody knows that as you get older it is harder to date. Maybe  I was too fat, guys don't like women with too many curves. Yeah I am a single mom guys don't want to have to raise a kid that is not his. (how he could possibly know that I was a mom did not even enter into my thoughts.), I am not even on his radar, He probably doesn't like black women. And a whole lot of other mess that I will not share with you. In reality the guy probably never gave me another thought as he went past, while I was beating my self up with all the facts I had gleaned from media and other misinformed women. Lucky for me I tripped. While I was physically tripping, the Holy Spirit informed me that I was mentally tripping and to cut it out immediately.

So I cut it out. I told myself out loud the truth. The Truth is I am a Child of the Most High God. That I am fine just the way I am. That it does not matter what man says about me. That I am fearfully and wondrously made, that God has a plan for me, that He knows the desires of my heart.  That all these "facts" were not the Truth. That I needed to have a better filter on the things I allowed into my mind. I also knew that I had to examine each of these "facts" find their source and eliminate them. So I rarely watch talk shows, I turn off all those reality shows that show women as mistreated, spoiled, chronically single, over dramatic, unloved and unlovable. Yup I had to clean out my Tivo. More importantly I had to discard these "facts" and find the Truth about me.

   As long as you hold on to the "facts" you cannot know the truth. So monster today, examine all the "facts" about yourself and your situation and figure out if they are the Truth. I can guarantee that most of the '"facts" you believe about yourself are not true at all. Throw them out. After all everybody knows the Truth will set you free.

Be free monster, be free.

Be Still.....

      Shabbat, ( no I did not sneeze). Shabbat is the traditional Jewish Sabbath it begins on Friday evening and ends Saturday evening. During this Holy time the Jewish people acknowledge the fruits and gifts of God.  They take time to have a meal with their family, they offer up prayers and thanksgiving. They turn off the world, work, t.v. etc and they rest.

I am not Jewish, but I can appreciate this holy ritual. A time set apart from your daily life to be still. Purposefully still. So this blog will be the shortest one yet. Today Be Still. I know it is Friday, you usually hang out with friends, hit the club, do something. Take a day off. Today be still. Turn off all the electronics, turn off all your plans and plots. Put away your vision paper. Be still and take in the world around you. Spend time in God's presence. Share a meal with your family. Whatever you choose to do praise God in all things, have a spirit of gratitude. By Saturday evening you will be refreshed and re-energized to begin your journey again.
           I have to go get my world in order so that I can be still. See you next week.

Fuggedaboudit....Forgive them, all of them

       Hope your loving your Wednesday monsters. I am about to go dance in the rain. Yup that is how I get my joy on. Don't forget that today is the day to get your joy on too. So Dance, but not yet, read this first, then dance. So please excuse the liberty that I have taken with my spelling. In other words I am asking for your forgiveness. That was easy. Most of the time it is not. It is hard to admit when you were wrong, doubly  so when you feel that you are not wrong.
        Forgiveness is a funny creature. There are some situations where it readily appears, like forgiving me my spelling mistakes. There are other situations where finding it is near impossible, like in the case of a broken heart, or a betrayal of trust. It is even harder to forgive when it is not really an action but perhaps a conduct or behavior or word that has given you offense. While you are in your Between time you have been cleaning out your stuff. Looking at the past and the people in it. You have probably found some situations and some people that you have been offended by. I know I have. I have probably even held a grudge. Or two. O.k. maybe a dozen or so. Well what do you do? Some of these things happened long ago, maybe you don't even know where the offender is, or perhaps you told them you forgave them already, even though a small kernel of unforgiveness lives in your heart. What then? Is it really a big deal, after all its the past and the past cannot hurt you, right?

The past may not be able to reach out and slap you, but it will hinder you from moving into the Next. That little piece of unresolved issue can grow into a huge pile of unresolved issues. It will affect how you deal with future similar situations, it will affect how you treat people, it will poison your relationships and it will open up the floodgates that will water the bitterness you have been so successful in rooting out. So, yeah it is a big deal.

Forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about you. Chances are they don't even know or care that they have hurt or offended you. They are not losing any sleep and skipping happily along with their life. Unaware and most likely totally oblivious to your pain. Nope, monster it is not for them it is for you. You are going to have to dig deep for this one. It is going to take some work and it may not happen over night, but if you are active, willing, and loving enough it will happen . You must forgive everyone and everything that has caused you to be in the Between, this includes yourself. You are going to have reach in deep and be truly honest. Your decisions, choices, and actions are what got you here. Forgive yourself. Embrace yourself, love yourself , take the lesson the universe is showing you and then forgive yourself. This part is easy. Well kind of easy, on to the heavy lifting.

Take a breath and go back to each situation where you have been hurt or offended by someone else. It doesn't matter if you were close to them or if it was the guy who took your parking spot, or the last seat on the bus. Picture them in your head, smile and forgive them. Then let it go. For people who you love/loved this may take several tries. You will have to check in every once in awhile with your feelings to make sure that you have truly forgiven them. Why is this important? Because sweet one, you will continue to draw the same type of situations and people into your life that will mirror the hurt and pain until you deal with it. Talk about Deja Vu.

What does this look like. We will use an easy example. Men. You are looking back on all your past relationships and you start to see a pattern, All the men you date have the same physical attributes, same type of personality, same type of vibe about them. That could just be chalked up to what you like, so let's dig deeper. As you look at all your relationships they all seem to have been emotionally or physically unavailable. Maybe it was physical distance, maybe they worked or traveled, perhaps they were still involved with someone else. Doesn't matter. Now you have located the problem, you have seen how with hindsight all of them were doomed to fail. Well here is where forgiveness comes in. Forgive them for being who they were and forgive yourself for picking them. Let it go. Now you can see that type coming and avoid them, lesson learned. Or, you can claim to be over it, and keep repeating the cycle over and over again. God will allow you to repeat this lesson as many times as it takes. Let it go. Forgive all of them. Write their names on a piece of paper and throw it in a lake, rip it up and scatter it. Let them go, thank them for the lesson and move on.

Be aware that once you have done this the Universe will test you. I will put you in situations that are similar it will send you people who remind you of. _____________, it will try to trick you and test you. You might fail. No, you will fail, first time out, after that it is cake, you will be able to laugh about it and recognize the next one instantly! lesson learned. You must practice this daily. Forgive them.

The most important reason to forgive is that in the Bible it clearly states they we are forgiven. As undeserving as we may be God is able and willing to forgive us. It also says that if we harbor any unforgiveness in our hearts that God will not forgive us. (Matt.6:14-15) You got to give, to get monster. Do not block your blessings and your prayers over petty man-made mess. Forgive and let go.  Now you get to work on that, I have to go out and sing in the rain. Save some time for your joy!